i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
