Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
