the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
