I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
