the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
