Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
