is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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