I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
