Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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