Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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