I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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