Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
