and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
