He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
