dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
