Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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