just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
