I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
