Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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