I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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