nut hugger
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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