R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
