first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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