i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
