I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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