i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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