the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the condom got lost in my hair
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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