you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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