I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
