remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
