my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
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