oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
