there's paper in my vomit.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize