True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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