the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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