I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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