It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
