The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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