I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
