the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
