god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
