I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize