proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
