I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
