im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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