i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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