Can i not drive my cunt home
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
