Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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