Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
