I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
