Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
