If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I need water and some morals
Randomize
