in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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