I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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