Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
