Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize