My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize