all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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