they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
