don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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