Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
