K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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