...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
