I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
