He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
