My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
