Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
