I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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