My liver just broke up with me...
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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