a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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