I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
