Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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